Why don’t you just leave? – Abusive Relationships

People who have never been involved in an abusive relationship often wonder why someone who finds themselves in this particular predicament doesn’t simply leave.  What is difficult to understand is that leaving such a relationship can be more far complicated than merely deciding to end the relationship.

Psychological abuse frequently starts out very subtle and once the warning signs become even more obvious, the person finds themselves already entrenched in a relationship with an abusive partner. This can lead to feelings of confusion as an abuser’s intention is to manipulate their partner’s sense of reality so that they will not readily leave and fulfil an abuser’s dreaded fear of abandonment.  An abuser will go to great lengths to control the situation; by possibly limiting information, isolating their partner from loved ones, and ensuring they maintain financial control and threats.

The partner on the receiving end of the abuse begins to believe that they are possibly responsible for the abuse, their self-esteem hits rock bottom and as extreme hopelessness sets in, the energy required to leave an abusive relationship begins to rapidly dwindle. No one wants to admit that they find themselves in an abusive relationship, especially if they feel they are to blame, and this shame only further contributes to them not reaching out for help.

A sophisticated form of psychological abuse is known as “Gaslighting”. This is a form of manipulation which aims to make another person question their own memory of events that occurred, their perception and sanity. It leads to feelings of extreme anxiety as the person feels they can no longer trust their own judgement or recall of events. An example would be the abusive partner saying something and then later denying ever having said it or moving items around and denying any knowledge of it. Deciding to leave becomes a mammoth task because the person trapped in the relationship no longer trusts their ability to make sound decisions. They begin to rely on the abuser for their sense of reality.

The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the person being abused attempts to leave. To survive, he/she enters into what is termed the “the narcissists dance”. This is an unconscious defense mechanism which helps to keep the victim safe, but in so doing they almost lose themselves by placating, complying, and appeasing (http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/).

They essentially become hostages and this is why assistance is so vital when it comes to planning to leave an abusive relationship. Counselling and a support network are essential for recovery and to ensure they are not drawn back into the same abusive relationship or find themselves in another unhealthy attachment. An abuser may very well see fit to carry out their threats, therefore a very carefully thought out and planned exit strategy is required.